When we are in pain, it’s sometimes hard to accept that there’s nothing we can do to change things. In the context of Kübler-Ross’ five stages of grief, bargaining for survivors of domestic, family, and sexual violence represents a phase marked by a complex mix of emotions and thoughts. The bargaining stage is typically the third in the model and often manifests as survivors seek some measure of control to avoid or mitigate the pain and reality of the traumatic experience.
For survivors, bargaining can be about negotiating with the past, making promises and/or seeking control. Survivors might find themselves immersed in a mental negotiation, questioning if there was something they could have done differently to prevent the abuse or alter the course of events. There could be a tendency to make promises to a higher power or to oneself, seeking a form of protection or security in exchange for better outcomes or relief from the pain.
Bargaining can be an attempt to regain a sense of control and hope over the uncontrollable. Survivors might engage in rituals or behaviours, hoping that adherence to certain routines will prevent a recurrence of the trauma. It’s also common to find themselves going over and over things that happened in the past and asking a lot of ‘what if’ questions, wishing they could go back and change things in the hope things could have turned out differently.
The impact of bargaining on the healing process is significant and support is crucial. Support groups play a vital role in helping survivors navigate this phase. Adamus Nexus is a post-crisis peer-based support group for women that encourages open communication, validation of the survivor’s feelings, as well as emphasising that the trauma was not their fault, and to empower and assist each other via shared experience, understanding and connection through the period after the domestic, family and sexual violence has occurred. The support group provides a confidential and safe environment for survivors to meet to provide community, connection, and corroboration in an online forum.
As survivors progress through the stages of grief, the intensity of bargaining may shift. Acceptance becomes a gradual realisation that some aspects of the traumatic experience are beyond negotiation or influence. Understanding the complexity of bargaining within the context of healing is essential for promoting empathy and facilitating a supportive environment.
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Find Your Tribe So You Can Thrive – Tedx Talk with Kristine Hewett
Many people have had a traumatic incident in their lives, and we now all have the collective trauma of COVID. Why is there an expectation that we need to ‘get over it’ or ‘move on from it’? Lived experiences may well have happened in our past, but they have ongoing impact on our now and our future. Kristine wants to help people to do more than survive and to in fact thrive by finding their people or tribe.
